Christopher M. Lavery

and sometimes we find ourselves staring out into a landscape
scooped up by the darkness that is lit by the moon at night
and sometimes we prolong our futures based on attempting to live

lining up outside my door
checking to see if my wallet is there
habitually disrupting the day
wandering in and out of nature

I’m at the grocery store again, trying.

ultimately too difficult to be here alone

it’s amazing how lonely the grocery store is when you are uninhabited, without and forgotten.

Today I was appalled during the class I teach of how many students have apathetic attitudes towards the soldiers getting killed in Iraq. In fact they are scared of not having any type of control over the situation and have devloded a “what can I do” mentality. Or “why does it matter if I do anything?” Initially they are a bit convincing, with stories about personal attempts to try being thwarted or not being able to find the right type of honest information in the media. With all of the attention that they pay towards the internet I find it fascinating that they are not resourceful enough to learn about the politics of this society.

This is a symptom. They generartion of students, not much younger than I am, feel that they have no voice. Even as artists, art students there is a general feeling of dismay about being able to speak their minds. Where does this come from? I look at history and it tells us to be skeptical BUT it also tells us there is a place for the voice, for the opinion and ultimatly the chance for idealistic change.

I tell them these things, they are expressing even more apathy. So I hit them where it hurts. Money. In teaching for just a few years I have realised that students are really only concerned with surviving on their own. A contradiction but a concern none the less. I tell them that the way that the U.S. is running things currently with the war in Iraq, the amount of money “we” are borrowing from other countries to keep this war machine well lubricated and the ignoring of it happening right in front of each individuals dinner plate will bankrupt the country in 10 years. What does this mean for you? If you live here you will be in some serious trouble. No jobs, no way to be self sufficient. Your student loans will never go away, they in fact are owned either by the U.S. Government or by a corporation who supports such a government that belives education for the people comes with a VERY high price tag. So I tell them to find a way to be proactive, I tell them they should band together somehow. Read, take advantage of this education they are paying a high price for and use it for what it was meant to be used for. Change this situation. Change society. Add something benefitial to the world thy live in. Develop a consciousness. Become aware even if it means becoming a cliche.

when i woke this morning i realized that i have very little to do with the flow of this universe, in fact my pops sent me an email last night stating that i need to stop trying to do the universe’s job and give back it’s rights to control the flow. He stated this in relation to his belief structure with God which I realize that spirituality is just a universal thing, everyone has it in someway or another. I used to be afraid of God and remember when i was younger that I would go to hell if deviated from the “moral” values taught under certain Christian ideologies. At this point the tem “moral” has become a political agenda to me and I have taken up “ethics” as my social-spirtual framework. So this morning I say to myself remember that ethics are what keep you on the path to enlightenment and let the universe dictate in its own way what morals actually are and try not to buy into the political adgenda that forces the idea that morals are what we should follow.

This morning, 4:12am, sleeping. I woke to a noise at my door.
I have been sleeping on the couch since I cannot sleep in my bed lately, disrupted.
Scratch, scratch, rip, SNAP! A noise at my door.
I awake even more.
My senses are waking up to adrenaline leaking into my bloodstream.
At first I hide under my down comforter that has been living on the couch, I pull it up hard. I am a frightened child in the middle of the night when a monster escapes from the closet. Soon I gain my senses and tell myself that I am a 32, almost 33 year old man. I get up from the couch and leap to the door where I spy out of the peephole.
Nothing. It is dark, I can see a light from across the parking lot from my neighbor’s upstairs apartment.
Still nothing. I am at this point afraid that I may have watched too many horror movies. What is waiting for me outside my door?
I remember that time I watched Silver Bullet when I was 13, terrified of werewolves from years ago. Courage, courage, face your fears, open the door and look. No too scared, werewolves are at my door. Courage you moron you are not 13 anymore. Alright I will try to open the door.
Now i know this happens in the movies, hand shaking, can’t get control of my hands, shake shake.
Alright, now!
I swing the door open and look, nothing. I look over at Casey’s apartment, who moved in to the adjacent building on the floor level. I’m not sure why I looked to her aprartment, maybe for security and a reality check. Nothing, not a light on. Maybe she’s been scratching at my door? No, to early in the morning, besides she has better things to do.
I look down to my doormat, I realize it has been raining all night. I look at the doormat made of bound straw. Gnarled up. Shit werewolves! I knew it, I freeze up!
Step out onto the all weather carpet in my socks. Stand there frozen up, paralyzed, werewolves! My socks a absorbing the moisture from the outdoor carpet. I notice the trim siding from around the door has been pulled off, and the inards or the plastic pulled out a bit and buckling. Is my apartment sinking into the ground? Was there an earthquake? I look around the neighboorhood from my upstairs apartment were my feet are sopping wet, frozen to the deck.
Has the world ended?
It could have, people were shot at the university yesterday in Virginia and I did stay up late two nights ago to watch Moby Dick on PBS the other night.
Ok, now where were those werewolves? At this point I need another excuse to know that the world hadn’t ended and I wasn’t in some purgatory suburbia.
Dammit I need to justify why I have all of this adrenaline in my body! Some kind of reason to….CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. I realize that I am clapping No, banging my hands together very hard because my eyes have met the eyeys of another creature peaking up from my staircase.
Clap again, the thing scurries off down the stairs and I find myself looking over the edge of the railing….I am looking at a baby Racoon.